Steve (not his real name) contacted me explaining that he was 50 years old, a successful business owner, but ….
“I feel like I don’t have any energy”
“I’m tired all the time”
“I feel stuck in my job and nothing turns me on anymore”
“I just feel heavy and depressed, but I don’t know why”
And for the past year, we have been working together.
His mother had been smothering, his father distant and passive. Since his younger sibling was mischievous, Steve was often blamed/punished for his siblings “naughtiness”. This meant he had to suppress his anger. His mother doted on him, but also controlled him. She usurped (seize something without right) his autonomy (one who gives oneself…) and told him how wonderful he was when he pleased her, but she withdrew her love if he misbehaved. When he stopped ringing her and visiting her, she refused to speak to him.
Steve learned to endure, feeling that he had no choice. He tried to please others, but usually failed. When he failed, he turned vicious criticism on himself. His life became grim, his energy bound, his sexuality lukewarm. He felt stuck and indeed he was and believed by walking away from his over 25-years marriage would resolve his feelings. But they were still there….
The Endurer’s dilemma is that he is locked in a holding pattern that binds the energy of the will, restrains autonomy(one who gives oneself) and compresses his spontaneity, joy and optimism. He is caught in a vicious cycle where activity that can’t move forward, is turned against the self, creating more frustration, greater tension and more blockage. This results in a morose feeling of hopelessness and despair, a disabled will and a reduced energy level – in short a deficient third chakra (yellow – solar pleaxus).
Two opposing forces meet. Steve felt angry towards his mother and also wanted her approval. These two needs, both valid, work at cross-purposes to each other. Since neither can be fully denied or fully expressed, their mutual antagonism results in a block. When either side of the block is triggered, it increases the energy of its opposite and the ensuing struggle produces stress.
THE ENDURER structure develops when the parent is overly controlling, squashing the child’s emerging autonomy. Since authority is forced at a time when autonomy (one who gives oneself) is naturally emerging but not strong enough to stand alone, submission is the only possible recourse. Since this authority is not in keeping with the child’s will, the result is a pattern of outer compliance and inner defiance.
The child says “All right, I’ll do what you want, but I won’t really participate!” (Holding inside). The only way to feel autonomous is to go into resistance. Unfortunately, this resistance becomes a standard approach to life and the Endurer has trouble either engaging or participating in anything without these ambivalent (undecided/unsure) feelings creating a block.
Yet the outer compliance makes him reliable, steady, hardworking, anxious to please and able to endure. Endurers hold up well in crisis, are loyal mates and seldom stir up trouble. They can stick to business and accomplish difficult or unpleasant tasks. Yet while they try to please on the outside, there is simultaneously a tendency to sabotage. A passive-aggressive stance toward life is the only possible expression the disabled-will can have for dealing with ambivalent (unsure/undecided) feelings.
Largely, the unsure/undecided is between aggression and tender feelings. THE ENDURER, like any child or adult, wants approval and affection, but affection is won at the cost of his own autonomy and anger arises. Since he feels both manipulated by and angry toward the person he wants affection from, he feels both need and anger simultaneously, and can express neither.
The will is not broken by violence but by seeming sweetness.
“Oh my little boy would never act like that and disappoint his mum now would he?”
“Steve is my favourite child; he is so obedient and quiet”
“Oh, I’m so disappointed that you did that. I thought you were better than your sibling”
The implication of not living up to assumed expectations is that we are somehow bad or inadequate, all because we have displeased someone. We want to be approved of and submit our will accordingly while simultaneously resenting the hell out of it.
When conditional love is used as reward or punishment for behaviour, the 3rd (yellow – solar plexus chakra) and 4th (green – heart chakra) are at odds with each other. He can have love co-operating and giving up his will or he can have autonomy by risking rejection and losing love – but in this equation he can never have both. Love and will become an either-or phenomenon. Since both are necessary, the plight is hopeless and the Endurer falls into despair. It is important to remember that this equation is false. In truth, we can only have true love and strong will when both are present and working in concert with each other. It is extremely hard for the Endurer to realise this.
At the root of the Endurer’s conflict is the demon of shame. His greatest fear is humiliation. When punished or criticized, he often collapses into vicious self-recrimination known as a shame attack. This diminishes his 3rd chakra and makes it more difficult to protect himself. He experiences shame again when is manipulated because of the weak ego. The Endurer is caught in a vicious cycle of shame that undermines action and further perpetuates the same, it’s a terrible mess.
The greatest fear of the Endurer is exposure, which he is certain will lead to humiliation and further shame. Therefore, he must hold himself in. I asked Steve what his toilet training was like. Was he shamed for letting go? Was he rewarded for holding in?
The predicament of holding in creates several blocks in the chakra system as a whole. Tension is most likely to be released and the Endurers must guard and close – the legs (Did Steve have trouble with his knees?); the hands (challenge connecting to others hands); throat (challenge to articulate what he feels) and genitals (covering them; low sex drive).
He may be able to take in energy from the ground (red chakra) and crown (violet chakra) but is unable to release it. The build-up of energy inside often makes the body very dense and large, often with a thick muscular padding between the throat and buttocks. The posture is one of shame, where the tail is tucked in, the head lowered and third chakra (yellow) collapsed. The red and blue chakras are blocked and this pulling inside and turning against the self creates masochism (pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object). Reaching out is also blocked and the Endurer is trapped inside a body packed with energy, unable to release.
Working with me over the past year, Steve has been focused on healing as the Endurer needs to express both the angry and the tender feelings. The main theme has been building the self-esteem, a frightening process to the Endurer. Steve has also focused on his food/drink, plus exercise program.
If you wish to work with me at Platinum Level Coaching, during 2015 and reach a solution to your personal issues, please contact me: email@example.com